We’re really not too far apart. It’s just a little hop over the puddle we call the Northern Sea. And we do share quite a bit of common history – after all, the Royals are quite German! So you genuinely can’t blame me for thinking that, well, you know, the normal things I know from back home are also similar or at least adjacent here. Right? Right?

Well, turns out, nu-uh. I did expect things to vary, naturally. I mean, I’ve moved countries. Things are bound to be different. But some shocks were simply more gravy ^{(yes, I know it’s “grave”, but I’m keeping this typo because I want to)} than others and I do feel the need of sploshing this onto this page, so that others may read this and go: “Are they stupid?” Not everything’s negative, though! But, well, it’s the negative things we always notice more, isn’t it. To give it away, I’ll end this list on high.

1. The usage of metric and imperial system

I’m going to swear now: Britain, what the actual fuck. I’ve got notes for the structure of this article and I had to put this as the first point because it simply makes my blood boil and I can’t concentrate on anything else if I fall into the rage of measurement systems. The ROMS it’ll be called from now on.

In Germany, we use the metric system, just like every other country that’s got a functioning brain cell. Why? Well, it’s easy. It’s intuitive. It follows rules. It’s transferable. Thank you, French Revolution, what a gift. It’s simply reliable, you know? Super easy to calculate in your head. It’s easy to get an idea of.
On the other hand, we got the absolute monster that is imperial units. I’m pulling up the Wikipedia page of it as we speak to make sure I am going to portrait its atrocities accurately and my god. The ROMS is real. Apart from the fact that not a single one of the imperial units makes sense beyond the point of some fella probably going “you know what? This seems clever”, here is the real issue I have with you, UK:

You are using both at the same time.

So Britain wants to have all of its cake and eat it, too, which means there is a huge kerfuffle of just everything flying around. Can’t have just one, no. Driving in a car? Miles. Taking the tram? Kilometres per hour. Buying juice? Litres. Buying milk? Pints. Weighing things? Oh, okay, metric, that’s good- except your body weight? What about your height? Aaaarrrhh!

2. How to identify yourself

In Germany, we have national ID cards. They’re a bit like passports, except that they only work on a national level and contain information such as rough descriptions of our person (e.g. eye colour, height, age, you get the idea), as well as our current address – and some more stuff electronically. And yes, you’ll get fined if you don’t change it within two weeks of moving somewhere new. We also have a health card, which stores all of our data we’d need at our GPs.

Now, I am a big fan of this. I already was in Germany and when I didn’t know this wasn’t standard. Simply because it’s a uniform system and it’s super convenient.

And then I moved to the UK.

You know how I have to show an official governmental body who I am and where I live? Via a utility bill. I have to bring my electricity bill to my dentist to let them know where I live. Not having a passport? Don’t have a driver’s license? Looking young, want to buy alcohol? Guess what. No way for you to show your age. This is just silly.

3. The British postal service

I love you, Royal Mail, you don’t have it easy. But that’s mostly because of the ridiculous system you have here. Here’s how things are in Germany, as we’re big fans of our [Briefgeheimnis]¹: on each of our doors has to be the house number and usually also the name of the house owner. Especially in flats, of course, but it’s rare to find a detached house without a sign of who lives in it either. Point is, you go up to a house and you’ll see the last name of the inhabitant written there somewhere. Almost always.

When we write the address on a letter, it has to feature the name in addition to the address – which isn’t the case in the UK. In Germany, if it’s not on there, the mail will not be delivered. If the postman can’t find your name on the door, mail won’t be delivered. If there is any doubt about you not living in that address, guess what – mail won’t be delivered. We’re very much “better safe than sorry” over there.

Not here. When I first moved to England, I received a new bank card for the previous tenant of the flat I lived in. Pretty sure I got some insurance documents, too. At some point, there was mail from the government.

This should not happen.

4. Your Döner

I’m gonna be frank here, I love Döner. It’s my favourite fast food in Germany. It’s fantastic. When I learned what you call Döner here in England, I cried. I can’t overstate enough how this is not a euphemism. I cried. What a sad, sad excuse of one of the most delightful dishes on our planet.

I’ve tried, believe me, I’ve tried. There are quite a bunch of restaurants that pretend to be of German quality, but let me save you the effort: they aren’t. The best Döner I had in the UK, was a pitiful 3/10 in Manchester. The rest don’t even deserve a mention. But more about this at a later point.

5. Your Landscape

I told you I’d end on a high, now that my ROMS has cooled down. One of the most beautiful culture shocks I encountered was the wonderful, absolutely stunning British landscape – and more importantly, how it’s handled. Germans like it strict and orderly – that’s a stereotype that holds true. Which means that even our wild parts are covered in signs, fences, paths and a one-way-only we can walk.

My partner and I love hiking. And I cannot emphasise enough how much I love the “Public Footpath” signs, absolutely randomly placed everywhere. It’s like the country’s giving you a little pat on the head, saying “Go on then!” and just releases you into the wild. Crossing rivers, sheep fields, farmer’s properties – doesn’t matter. The whole island is one public footpath. I love the British wilderness. I love the woods and how everything’s left to its own accords. The British nature is one of the biggest reasons I love living here.

1. Briefgeheimnis – compound word made out of “Brief” (a postal letter) and “Geheimnis” (a secret). It describes the secrecy of correspondence, the fundamental right of keeping your stuff to yourself and no one’s allowed to open or read things that aren’t addressed to them. We take this seriously. ↩︎

[Picture by Calum Lewis – thank you!]