I am a firm believer that the key to a successful relationship is communication. That being said, I don’t like the phrase “key to a successful relationship”, and I am genuinely not sure why I just used it. I guess it’s just something you say. Well, you say. People say. There is no one ring to rule them all – sorry, one rule to ring them… Uh.

Why is communication so important?

So as I was saying, there isn’t just this one rule and [simsalabim]¹, there is your perfect love life. That’s not how things work. And that’s what I mean by saying calling something “the key” is a bit silly. But if I had to choose one thing that’s really, really, really important, it is communication.

Why? Well, it stops you from assuming.

Assumptions are just horrible and the breeding ground for sugar and spice and everything-not-so-nice. If you have to guess what your other half is thinking, well, things are already way more complicated than they need to be. Never forget that your partner is your best friend (ideally. If not, there’s a whole other issue, if you ask me). You’re in this together and should work with each other against a problem – not against each other because of a problem. And talking things out, mentioning stuff, letting the other one know what you’re currently feeling or thinking or liking or loving or disliking helps. It’s as simple as that.

Sure, it’s nice to have your partner come over and say “I can sense you’re not having a good day”, but, hey, that’s not what they’re meant to do. If they don’t do that, it’s not because they don’t pay attention or they don’t care – sometimes we just think we’re clear about something and we absolutely aren’t. People pick cues up differently. Don’t rely on this. Don’t wait on something to happen. Oh, there is this really lovely song by The Villagers (I recommend this live acoustic version) and the line I want to quote is:

I waited for something, and something died
So I waited for nothing, and nothing arrived

The Villagers

Oh, that looks fancy, doesn’t it? Anyway, point is, if you’re simply waiting on something to happen, it might. It could. It won’t. So many. Uncertainties. And if it doesn’t, well, the only one being unhappy is going to be you. So just.. talk. And listen. ^{(I could completely misinterpret this by the way – but I don’t care, it’s how feel this song!)}

How to find time

Sometimes, especially with both being super busy over the day, it’s difficult to find the time to talk. Even if just for a moment. It’s the same for me and my partner. Some days, when everything’s done, you suddenly realise “huh, we haven’t really had each other today”, but it’s already time to sleep again.

A couple of years ago, we came up with the concept of our “favourite part of the day”. It’s super simple and it has honestly elevated days that up to that point weren’t that great. Most of us meet in bed at night, don’t we. And it could take a minute, five, ten – sometimes it escalates into another hour before finally saying good night. But it’s the most concentrated us-time, the most intimate and wonderful, accompanied by a warm embrace and each of us simply telling each other what the best parts of our day were. Not only does it open up a conversation – most of the time it’s also something the other one did. Or our cats. Or both.

It’s a tiny, but concentrated shot of pure love. I wouldn’t ever want to stop doing this. And I can only recommend it to everyone.

1. “Simsalabim” – You know abracadabra? This is the second part of it! Well, in Germany, the entire hocus pocus (fidibus!) spell phrase is: “Abrakadabra, Simsalabim!” and we sometimes use the second part as a sort of “Voila!” or, how do you say in the UK? Ah. Yes. Bob’s your uncle. ↩︎

[Picture by Paula Campos – thank you!]