I’ve struggled with lots of things in my life. Probably things similar to everyone of us out there. Chasing approval and acceptance, always aiming to please others, trying too hard to make people like me. But one of the things turning into an adult and growing more mature has taught me, is how to be content within myself. And saying “no” was part of that journey. I’m grateful that I’ve reached this – what I see as – massive cornerstone in my well-being and happiness. But I also know to not take this for granted and that a lot of us still struggle to do so. So here’s my take on it.

Why don’t we want to say it?

I’m a big advocate of trying to work out reasons instead of fighting symptoms. Sure, I could just say “Just say ‘no’, you’ll see that nothing will come of it!” but it won’t have any lasting impact and you’ll be right back to square one when the next situation occurs. Why? Because we didn’t fix the problem as to why you might struggle to say it in the first place, we just pushed you into the pond.

I know I’ve struggled with it because pleasing people is great. Isn’t it? They need something, you can provide it – they are happy and they’ll like you more. Right? And at the end of the day, that’s what we want. People to like us. But things got easier when I realised that people shouldn’t like me because I did them a favour. In fact, if people like me because I am doing them favours – are they liking me or simply the time I save them?

There is also that fear of being rejected. If I say no, will they never ask me again? Will they be disappointed? Will they think less of me? Well, here is the thing about assumptions: we don’t know. But if you asked someone for something and they declined – would you be angry at them?

What can we do so it becomes easier?

There is, of course, not just one thing that helps us do it. And if you’re new to it, chances are high that it’ll feel weird and, well, make you uncomfortable at first. I made the mistake at first to try and over-explain why I wouldn’t or couldn’t do something. Tried to make it sound like the other thing I had to do was much more urgent and I couldn’t swap it – even if there wasn’t a thing to begin with. See, it’s your time and effort and it’s your choice what you want to spend it on. And if it’s staying home and enjoying a cup of tea instead of going out, then that’s absolutely legit, no explanations needed! But it’s easier if you soften the blow, so to speak. Or is it, really? Because when I did it, I ended up being even more stressed. Felt even worse trying to explain myself.

So I started giving shorter reasons. “I’m not comfortable with that”, “It’s out of my budget”, “I don’t have time”, “I am not in the mood” – or just, real simple, “No.” That’s it. No overexplaining. Because giving reasons always felt like I was justifying myself instead of, well, being genuine. And it made me feel worse at the end. But being assertive and decisive with what I did for people and seeing that there was, more often than not, absolutely no repercussion made things so much easier very quickly.

Being a people-pleaser is a difficult spot to be in. And yes, people around you that liked you for being that might be alienated by you taking back control over yourself. But at that point, don’t we have to ask ourselves if these people were good for our well-being to begin with? Doing things you don’t want to do, especially not for yourself, are draining, exhausting. And there is nothing in it for you. That doesn’t mean we aren’t cooperative or altruistic – these are traits that can coexist together. Sure, some of us are more selfish than others, but it’s a natural human thing – and we shouldn’t be ashamed, ever, to put us first.

So remember, as a good friend of mine uses to say: “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.”

[Picture by Jose Aragones – thank you!]