Of course, every relationship looks different, as every partner as well as your roadmap and experiences are unique. But below that, there are a couple of things that make up a healthy foundation of companionship. Things that are universal, that tie you together and will let you grow without compromises. The pillars that, when in place, make you thrive together.

This isn’t about specifics. About goals, about dreams, about fights or disagreements. This is about the framework in which you work on them.

Communication & Honesty

Being able to communicate is, to me, the most important corner stone of a healthy, functional relationship. You need to be able to talk openly with your partner without being scared, fearing repercussions or being hurt. You should be able to honestly share who you are, communicate your thoughts and feelings. But it’s also about apologising when you’re wrong and truly listening to what your partner has to say to you. Miscommunication or the entire lack of communication only ever ends in problems, fights, assumptions and misunderstandings. If you can’t rely on being honest and receiving honesty, there is no way to fully commit.

Trust & Respect

Trust is something that needs to be build over time – it’s not just simply there. And it’s unique for every person. Having your trust broken by someone else is tremendously hurtful – but it’s important to not let the hurt of someone else act as a blanket for everyone around you. Which can be difficult, I know. You can build your trust by being reliable, by doing what you say you would. By being there. By supporting your partner – and by feeling supported. At the same time, this shows respect. In a healthy relationships, you are equal to one another. And your thoughts, your dreams, your feelings are as important as your partners. Respect is caring about your partner’s opinions – even if they aren’t the same as yours.

Boundaries & Independence

Being in a relationship means living your lives side by side. It doesn’t mean that you are merging into one. That means, that it’s important to have time and space to be you without your partner – and your partner without you. Be supportive with hobbies, spending time with friends and family and alone time, too.

Talk and know about your boundaries. Boundaries are things you are and aren’t okay with – and you shouldn’t just know, but also accept your partner’s. And, as important, they need to know and follow yours. There need to be transparency around how you want to be treated, what your needs are, your expectations and limits. Know that they might change with time – so keep conversations flowing.

Responsibility & Consent

Consent means clear agreement, given through word or actions. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean that consent is given permanently and in all situations. It can be withdrawn and re-given – and it’s incredibly important to acknowledge and to respect if one of you doesn’t consent. Talk about what this means in terms of sex, your bodies, your lives, affection.

You are responsible for being honest and genuine – and for accepting consequences about things you’ve said and done. You need to be able to rely on your partner and their actions – same as they have to be able to rely on yours to feel safe, protected and loved.

In a healthy relationship, all of these things feel natural and, in a way, very easy. My partner puts me at ease and I know that, whatever happens, we have the right foundation to work through things. If your relationship doesn’t feel this way or some of these things aren’t adding up – please take a closer look.

[Picture by Shawnn Tan – thank you!]