I’ve wondered for quite a bit of time why my British colleagues panic when I answer “How are you?” with anything other than “Fine, thanks”, or why an entire conversation can be conducted in apologetic nods.

In Germany, we don’t do small talk. We get right to the point. In fact, we don’t even have a word for it. We use your word, Small Talk – one of the loan words (click here if you want to learn some fun German loan words!) we have borrowed from you. The description in the dictionary for it is: “insignificant or unimportant talking”.

Where I’m from, if you talk to someone, there’s a motive. Not in the UK.
Welcome to the great divide between German and British communication.

“How are you” is not a real question

In Germany, if someone asks you how you are, it’s an invitation for brutal honesty. Otherwise, why would you ask? It’s not just a verbiage – we understand it is a genuine concern for our well-being. Here in Britain, however, it’s more like a verbal handshake – and there is only one answer:

• Brit: “Hey how are you?”
• Correct: “Good, thanks! You?”
• Incorrect: “Well, I have a headache, didn’t really sleep too well last night. I think it might have to do with being a bit dehydrated, because we visited my sister and…”

On top of that, “You alright?” is also not a question. It is a greeting. A greeting. Don’t you ever dare say something other then “Alright?” back. No, it’s not a question. That’s a full conversation.

The weather, a sacred topic

Small talk in Britain is 80% weather commentary ^{(source: me)}. And here’s why: it’s safe. Uncontroversial. You can’t go wrong. Everyone agrees, it’s either too cold, too hot, or too rainy. We talk about the weather, too. Well, if we must. Because it’s quite a waste of time. But the British treat it like a national sport – until we deviate.

• Brit: “Nice day, isn’t it?”
• German ^{(hint, wrong)}: “Actually, it’s quite humid.
• Brit: visibly distressed.

Sarcasm, understatements, apologies

Because at the end of the day, Brits rarely mean what they say and say what they mean. It’s confusing, really. It something is “not bad”, it means it’s great (to be fair, that’s also a German thing). But if something’s a “bit tricky”, we’re already in the realm of an absolute disaster. Oh, and if someone says “We should grab a drink sometime”, you may never hear from them again.

Additionally, we Germans apologise when we’ve made a mistake. British people apologise when they exist. Bump into a Brit? They will say sorry before you do. Walk into a pole? They’ll say sorry – to the pole.

So bearing all of this in mind – the key to mastering British small talk is to apologise whenever you take a breath, discuss the weather, but most importantly: never, ever overshare. Small talking to an unsuspecting German? You’ll either hear more than you’re asking for – or you’ll get a tight-lipped side-eye, wondering what it is that you really want from us.

[Picture by Austin Chan – thank you!]