Well.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship (shortening this to LDR, as it’s a loooong term), you’ll already know the ups and downs that come with it. It’s the kind of relationship where love is slightly different to the localised one. You know, where you can’t just have the convenience of a quick visit, a date night, or, well, living together.

I’ve had the unfortunate luck of going through two LDRs in my life. One with my first love as a teenager, which really didn’t make things easier. We made it two years, after which we both graduated from school in the same year, moved into the same city for studies – and fell apart within literal weeks.

The second one started when I was in my late 20s. It’s the reason I now live in England and have a wedding ring around my finger. Long story short, yes, they are worth it.

Trust and communication are a must

Being hundreds or even thousands of miles apart from the one you most care about sucks. No need to sugar-coat anything here, it’s horrible. But it’s not all doom and gloom, if you learn how to handle things.

By far the most important skill you both need to have is communication, as you’ll need to learn how to express your feelings in words. It’s incredibly easy to take it for granted when you’re physically together, but as soon as things such as body language (yes, even in video calls), or intention in each others voices (as there will be lots of texting) are out of the equation, priorities shift dramatically. Don’t just check in with your partner on how their day was, you need to be able to really listen – and to really make an effort to understand each other, both actively and passively. You can’t give each other a physical hug. So you need to learn how to substitute this via words.

Over time, this builds trust – the second big pillar of a LDR. Without it, in my experience, it’s almost already certainly set up for failure, unless you start working on it. There is a lot of vulnerability involved here, especially when things are starting to gain depth. But being open and honest and attentive is a must if you want your relationship to be evolving. Don’t hide things, especially if things such as jealousy get involved.

Stay independent

This is one of the big mistakes I made in my first LDR, but corrected in my second. Honestly, thinking back on it now, it’s one of the few massive benefits that this type of relationship brings with it – it forces you to become more independent. Because if you can’t see your partner every day, you’ll find yourself relying on your own resources and coping strategies, which is a great path to go down for personal growth and strength.

It can definitely be a hard adjustment, especially if you’re used to constant contact or physical closeness, but in the long run, it teaches you to stand on your own two feet. You’ll learn to make decisions on your own, manage your time, and fill your life with things that bring you joy. Why is this important? Because if you don’t, you’ll drown. You’ll drown in the spiral of waiting. Waiting for your partner to give you attention. Waiting on them to call or text you. Waiting for the day to finally arrive where you’ll see each other again. But the only thing you do here is focusing on the despair and pain that comes with not being with each other – you’re putting your entire life on pause.

In my first LDR, I simply forgot to live. I was stuck, but you know what made it worse? My partner wasn’t. They were living, enjoying, doing their hobbies and everyday things. And this, in return, amplified only the worst of feelings in me. It’s a horrible situation to be in, one that drags you down with every passing day.

Instead, work on what makes you you. Independence doesn’t mean you’re not emotionally attached to your partner; rather, it shows that you’re both able to live fulfilling lives outside the relationship. And when you do finally reunite, you bring all those new experiences and personal growth back to the table – which only helps strengthening your relationship.

How long can this go on?

A LDR is draining. You live off the highs you get when you see each other, but once you are able to balance them out by being independent yet attentive in the times in between, you can get it going for quite some time. It’s a dance, really. Learning how to give and receive physical affection and love within a short but intense time-frame and spread the energy it gives you for when you are apart, but accompanying it by generating your own. The distance can amplify insecurities or bring up feelings of doubt, so it’s incredibly important to be able to freely address things, no matter what.

As with everything, there really isn’t a clear answer to things and every relationship is different. That being said, do I regret my first LDR? Absolutely not. Do I regret my second? Absolutely not. It takes patience and commitment, but the rewards are immense. Some might fail, but others may succeed. But in the end, isn’t it always about the time spent together?

My take on this is: if you love each other and the highs outweigh the lows, then yes. Finding someone you care so deeply about is always worth investing into. If you’re in this together and work towards the same goal, you can do it.

[Picture by Tijs van Leur – thank you!]