I’ve lived a good life so far. My childhood was great, I’ve made it through my education okay – and now I am in a place that I’ve carved the way myself for. That being said, though, I wouldn’t say I had an extraordinary life. Nothing spectacular – though I guess, that’s always in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it? Moving countries and leaving your old persona behind, counts as something wild, one could argue. But the important bit is, that I feel like my life’s been good. That being said, it doesn’t mean it hasn’t been rough, too.

There are – were – quite a few episodes, years, things in my life that were incredibly difficult – and I hated myself for them or throughout it. We all have them – some more, some less, some easier, some heavier – but we all do in some form. But I was lucky enough that what I gained from them was the most valuable skill I possess: loving myself.

Why don’t you?

It took me years to get where I am now – and I really only did start to consciously look after myself when I was way into my mid 20s. Before that? I was either angry or disappointed in myself – or didn’t really care. I think it was a mixture of both, but what was clearly missing was the positive aspect of it. The, well, the caring part. You know how you always just remember the bad things and take everything else for granted, not even mentioning them? Only knowing how good it is to be healthy once you’re sick? Well, I feel like this is part of it. Because before, I’d only just try to make myself feel better when I felt bad, instead of nourishing myself proactively and constantly. This way, now, when I don’t feel well, my threshold is way higher to begin with – and if I need it, I’ve got the energy to draw from to soften blows right when they hit me.

Here’s what helped me

Realising that loving myself isn’t a reaction, but a constant state I need to (or could) be in, was the most important step for me and what fuelled my motivation going forward. And as soon as I saw that, it made things so much easier and everything started to make sense.

I know that everyone of us starts at a different place. Some of us will have it easier to be kind to ourselves, some might need the help of a therapist to get there – and that’s absolutely fine. It’s a journey, paths can cross, but length and destination are incredibly individual. That being said, of all the things I now do, here are a few that are sticking with me most and that I make, consciously, the most use of.

• I am forgiving myself. Oh god, it’s so easy to be angry at yourself. You made a plan and it fell through? You swore you’d clean up that shelf and didn’t? You only wanted to eat half the chocolate, but now the entire thing is gone? Guilt can overcome so quickly, but what for? Nah, not having that. If I failed at something, that’s alright. I fail. I’m not perfect. And look, nothing happened after, or did it? So really, it’s okay. I’ll just try again another time.
• I just smile. That’s it. If I catch myself just walking somewhere or sitting or just, well, being – hold on, where I am going with this. You know when you suddenly realise you’re breathing? When I realise I am not smiling, I will smile instead. Why? Because it automatically, always, without fail makes me immediately feel better. It was odd at the start, but now I am in a place where it sparks happiness and a lighter step. Proactive, not reactive!
• I don’t hide my feelings. I have the incredible luck that I have a partner at my side who loves me unconditionally, which makes this step way easier, of course. But it’s not limited to my feelings at home – I practice this at work, too. See, no one cares about me – and that’s a good thing. Hear me out! Realising this means you’re free! No one cares about what you do, what you wear, what you eat, how you look like – only you do yourself. I don’t need to waste energy on trying to pretend or hide something from others. Why would I even have to assume what someone else would want me to be in the first place? And what for? For them? Why would they care?
• I am my own standard. I really learned this when I was doing a lot of art. I’ve gotten to know so many wonderful people in this time and at the beginning, there was a lot of tension when it came to comparing works. Were they better than me? Why was I so bad, did I not do enough? It’s so easy to lose focus on your own achievements if you only ever look at others. Instead, I started doing things just for me. That I wouldn’t show the world. And when it comes to progress, I only ever look at how I did it then and how I am doing it now. I don’t know someone else’s struggle and path, do I?
• I recognise when I did something great. And it can be the smallest things. Helped a bee off the path to the nearest flower? You can bet your butt I am going to carry this pride for the entire rest of the day. Puff yourself up, be your own biggest fan! As I said, no one will do this for you – there’s no external validation that you need, just your own! That’s the thing that will fill you up with joy.

[Picture by me, taken on a walk this morning. Thanks, me!]